Tragic,Ticklish and Totally Timothean!

It kills me to say goodbye, but that's the only way I'll live.

"Wow". I guess that’s the only word I can use to describe the past couple of weeks. I’ve had a bunch of people who’ve mailed me or called me after reading the previous entry and I want to say thanks for the support. Perhaps the last two entries were on the drastic side. What can I say? I’ve been in a drastic mood.

I got my heart broken again. The most ridiculous thing is that it wasn’t because of someone new. It involved someone who’d already broken my heart before. In fact you could say her very memory has been breaking my heart over and over again for the past 4 and a half years.

Sometimes you find someone or something that brings so much meaning to your life. Makes you feel alive. Makes you want to succeed. Makes you think that life is so great no matter what happens. Helps you get through a crappy day at work because you know there’s something to look forward to at the end of the day. Makes you want wake up early because you can't wait to hear her voice.

The strange thing is you don’t realize all these wonderful things till you’ve lost them. So you fumble around after like an addicted junkie looking for a quick fix. You’ve tasted heaven and you want desperately to get that taste back. Nothing works though. So you just pine and hope and wait for the day that person shows up in your life again. You tell yourself things will be different. They’ll be better. You’ll never make the mistake of losing them again.

The years go by and one day, almost like a dream come true, you meet that person again. It’s wonderful. The years of loneliness disappear within a minute. Your road of emptiness has come to an end. It almost makes all the misery you’ve endured worth it just to have this person back in your life again.

Just when you believe everything in the world is good again, fate has a nasty way of turning things pear shaped. You once again feel the sands of hope and joy slipping from your palm no matter how hard you clench.

The difference is, this time you’re not just losing her in your mind and in your dreams. This time, you know its real. You’ve really seen her. Really heard her voice. Really felt her touch. Really smelt her scent. Really losing her all over again.

I can’t begin to describe how that feels. So close. So close to having her. So close to happiness.

First you get angry. You curse this life. You curse the stars. You curse the Gods. You cry. You weep. You plead. You question.

Then you realize maybe everything does happen for a reason. Maybe this is what you needed all along. Maybe you needed to realize that this person isn’t really who you want to be with. Maybe you realize that you’ve been in love with a memory all along. You remember that people change over the years and that this person is hardly recognizable. I’m not going to go into detail, but beyond the sentimental reminiscing, she proved that she’s not the person she used to be. She’s not the person I loved and hung onto for all these years. Because the person I longed for, would not treat me like this.

And now that I know this, maybe the hold she had over my life can finally be broken. Maybe the person you've been losing isn't her, maybe it's me.

You see now it’s easy to let go of the person before me. But there’s someone even harder to let go of. And that’s the person she was within me. You see it’s not the living breathing person I have to get over. It’s the memory of the person I used to love.

I’m beginning to learn that people aren’t who they are in the flesh. They’re who they are in your heart.

What’s makes it hard for me to release the love of my life, is the feeling that I’m also letting go of all the hope and all the wishes I’ve made over the years. I’ve spent such a long time trying to match the person in the flesh with the person in my heart, that by letting go now, I’m all confused and lost and don’t know what to look for anymore.

It’s like desperately trying to make the perfect chocolate cake and then realizing you don’t really like chocolate after all.

I’m no longer a man with a dream. I’m a man in search of a dream.

I wish life was so much simpler for a guy with a glass heart.

"Any other fool would never walk away" - Patti Austin / Any other fool

It's bout time for this fool to.

Typically Tim - Worn, Torn and in need of being Reborn.

posted by Timmy Tim Tim @ 6:17 AM 1 comments

How’s life for you? Actually I don’t care. Mine Sucks.

There’s an old saying. When something looks too good to be true, it usually is. I’ve recently re-affirmed something that I’ve always known. My life sucks. Now I’m not saying that everybody else’s life doesn’t or that my problems are bigger than everybody else’s. But I’m not talking about everybody else. I’m talking about me. And seeing that this is my blog and the title above describes my life and no one else’s, I think that gives me the right to focus on me with out having to consider anybody else. Yes I’m in a mood, and I’m going to rant.

I was watching some T.V the other day and heard a great line sprout from the lips of the lead character. “I’m sick of begging for the same chances that you just had!” Once again, for the unsympathetic reader, I concur that I have received chances that some people haven’t. But you don’t get rich comparing yourself to the poor do you?

So why is the Turmoil-ridden Tale of Today's Tim , particularly more tragic than usual. And the answer is…. It’s not.

You see my life isn’t filled with regular good days with the occasional bad day once in a while. It’s filled with perpetual bad days one after another, with the occasional good one. And you know what sucks about having the occasional good day? It makes the rest of the bad days feel even worse.

If there is indeed a heaven and if each of us have been assigned a guardian angel to watch over us, I’d just like give a shout out to mine.

“You’re doing a crap job and you suck!”

There are very few things that I’ve really really wanted and asked for. Sure there are a lot of things we humans cry out for, but if you think about it, there are just a very few things that we really really want. Example – a chance at the job of your dreams or maybe a chance at the girl of your dreams.

And usually those pleas involve things that you realize are beyond your control and therefore require the help of a greater being. I can think of only 2 things that I’ve really prayed for myself.

At this point, I have neither. In a phrase which describes the situation.

“I’ve begged. I’ve pleaded. And I’ve been denied.”

Doesn’t sound like much does it? Keep reciting it and after a while, you too will realize exactly how unfair our lives truly are.

Once again I’m not saying they are any more unfair than everyone else’s, cos no one’s asking you to compare.

Here’s another interesting truth I’ve realized. You’ll never have what you truly want in the right combination. No I’m not talking about riches and material wants. Let’s look at the basics. You will never have (or since we’re just talking about me), I will never have my health, the job of my dreams and the girl of my dreams all at the same time. And y’know I don’t consider that asking too much out of life. In fact I think I am very easily contented. But if I have one, I usually lose something else out of my perfect three as I like to refer to the recipe of a happy Tim. As I said, I will never have everything I truly want no matter how little that consists of. The reason being, that would be just too much happiness for me and we can’t have that can we? I guess that’s too much to ask for.

I will never be truly happy or truly satisfied. Am I greedy? I don’t think so. You see no matter how many “Happy Tim Criteria” I cut from my list, I will never have all of them. So rather than ask, what is enough for Tim to be happy, I find myself asking how many things do I have give up, before I can be happy.

And if you think that’s still asking too much, then let me repeat those two statements which this entry really revolves around.

"I've begged. I've pleaded. And I've been denied!"

AND

"I'm sick of begging for the same chances you just had!"

~Typical Tim - Tragically Tempremental and Totally Bummed Out

posted by Timmy Tim Tim @ 10:05 PM 0 comments

Sometimes.....it happens.

Tonight…..

I met her.

Touched her.

Smelt her.

Kissed her.

Embraced her.

Felt her.

Saw her.

Even tasted her.

I don’t believe it.

I can’t believe it.

I’m almost afraid to believe it.

And for a short while…

The clouds parted.

The skies cleared.

The rain stopped.

And for a short while….

Life was good.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

posted by Timmy Tim Tim @ 5:00 AM 0 comments