Tragic,Ticklish and Totally Timothean!

Totally Tim – Some things are hard to stomach

(DISCLAIMER) – DO NOT READ IF YOU’RE GONNA GIVE ME FLAK

Its 3.48 am on Sunday morning and the Tragic Titan has decided to spin yet another tale in his tremend-less voyage of life.

This weekend isn’t turning out the way I had hoped although I can’t say I haven’t been warned. After all according to Friendster’s wonderful feature they call “joint horoscopes”, I shouldn’t expect “smooth sailing” with anyone on my list. Yeah the sad thing is I’m actually beginning to trust this cyber soothsayer. It seems almost everything and everyone I treasure seems to be turning on me. This includes my o-so-favourite source of happiness – Chicken Rice. Yeah after a hearty meal of the ambrosia I look forward to on a daily basis, I came down with a nasty case of food poisoning which provided many an opportunity to rush to the toilet and deposit the evidence of disagreeable digestion. Yes I realize it doesn’t paint a pretty picture but it was awful man. My stomach’s been churning and hurting like a bitch. It’s one thing to have the squits. It’s another to be in constant pain, both physical and emotional. “How could Chicken Rice do this to me?” I scream at the heavens!

I also so managed to score another ridiculous argument with someone. I’m beginning to see a trend here and it’s starting to worry me. Not so much in what I’m seeing in the other person, but what I’m beginning to notice about myself. Sometimes in life you meet people that not only annoy you, but also make you question who you are. As angry as you get at others, what hurts the most is when you see things in you that you’re mad at. “No man is an island” is a pretty common phrase you hear all the time. It’s pretty true because you can’t just be yourself all the time. Sometimes you have to change who you are and what you are so you can adapt to people around you. To believe that you truly don’t is a serious case of disillusion. The most important question however, is “do you like who you are?” Because the only person that’s really gonna be with you till the day you die, is yourself. Answering to somebody else is difficult. Answering to yourself is the killer. Nobody else is gonna live with your regrets. You are.

I’m not happy with who I’ve become. I was a real care-free, easy going guy for a long time. It was pretty hard to get me down. As of late of though, I’m just depressed, angry and short-tempered. In fact I felt a fire burn in me today that I haven’t felt in years and it scared me. Not so much that somebody brought it out it me, but that somebody could. That disturbs me.

Disappointment plays a huge part in it. When you try so hard at something, you expect results. Everybody wants to be treated the way they treat others. So when you treat others well and you try your darnest to touch their lives with effort and respect, you have every right to expect them to reciprocate in kind. When they don’t, that’s when doubt sets in. You wonder what you’re doing wrong. You wonder what’s wrong with you. You question yourself and the person you are. You ask yourself if maybe you’re not worth the effort for them, and how you can change. Sometimes you ask yourself why you even bother trying if you’re not gonna get anything out of it. Does that make you self-centered? I mean yeah as much as you want to do something for somebody because you care, part of you expects them to care for you too. Friendships or relationships, a one way flow of traffic doesn’t apply to either. And what you don’t notice is, while you’re fighting to change and adapt to somebody else, you lose a little bit of yourself day by day. One morning your wake up and you don’t even recognise yourself in the mirror.

As of late, I don’t recognise myself anymore. I feel like I’ve compromised so much of my standards, beliefs and principles, that I hardly remember what they were and what it was to have them. The truth is, I don’t like this person I’ve suddenly become. I used to have dignity and self-respect and a little bit of confidence. Without those things, I deserve to be trampled on and walked all over. Without those things, I will call into question what is right and wrong. Without those things, I will end up apologizing for something that I didn’t do. Without those things I will second guess myself and take up stands that I don’t believe in. Without those things, I’ll be killing who I am, and who I want to be.

You can only try so hard at pleasing somebody and fighting to keep whatever it is you share. Then you got to ask yourself if the gains are worth the costs. The costs being…you. Winning somebody and losing yourself is not a fortuitous situation. What you really want, is somebody who not only loves you, but makes you love yourself as well. A winning hand is when both somebody else and YOURSELF wants to be with you.

That being said, the events of the weekend so far are not gonna keep me down. I’m gonna try again. Some things are worth fighting for. Some things are worth the perseverance. Some things are what make you wake up every morning. Some things are worth a second chance.

So just because I got food poisoning once, I will still never stop loving Chicken Rice.

~Totally Tim – No more yummy for this horrid tummy.

posted by Timmy Tim Tim @ 4:44 AM