Tragic,Ticklish and Totally Timothean!

Totally Tim - Writer. Hero. Driving Zero.

So its been quite a while since my last entry. I know what you’re thinking. Well hey it’s the usual. Tim starts blogging and then gets lazy. Well its not true. Tim’s lazy all the time and not just when it comes to blogging.

However, the Tragic Timothean one has an excuse! I’ve been busy. Yeah well I didn’t say it was a good excuse. Still I have been busy. I’ve gotten back to work. Well somewhat at least. Been doin some freelance writing. No not newspaper or magazine material. More corporate stuff. In fact the next time you go to Changi airport and pick up the shopping and dining guide., you can say “thank you” to moi! Of course if you hate the suggestions…erm, it was someone else’s work. Yeah that’s right. Also been involved in the upcoming StarHub newsletter.

Yeah I pride myself in being the used car salesman of the print world. Anything you got, good or crappy, I’ll make it sound like a million bucks on print. Ok that’s enough of a shameless plug. Lemmie know if you need my services. I work for next to nothing. The word “next” however, is relative.

So what’s been happening in my life? It looks like I’ll be making use of Singapore’s premier public transport system a little while longer. Yes after bitching about how most people can’t drive, your’s truly decides to make them feel better by joining the group. After all, there’s comfort in numbers. Oh screw it! I’ll come out and say it. I flunked my friggin driving test! How sad am I? Rhetorical question. Don’t bother answering. Yeah all thanks to my inability (or refusal) to “engine brake” and switch to fourth gear, I accumalated a bunch of points idicating I shouldn’t be issued a license. Yes those were my only 2 mistakes. Just made them over and over again. Funny thing is, those are mistakes which are impossible to make on an automatic transmission car. Which means I would have scored perfect had I decided to take the auto test instead of the manual! Damn! Ah well. I guess I’ll just have to retake the test, in bout 2 months! Sheesh, talk bout a long time to wait. Screw driving. Cabs are cheap albeit the fact that cab drivers are idiots and smell terrible most of the time. Beggers can’t be choosers.

What else have I been doing? I’m quite ashamed to admit this but here goes. I’ve led a secret life one night, every week for the past 3 weeks. I’ve been going to….oh how do I continue….oh the shame! I’ve been going to MAMBO! There I’ve said it. Heckle if you will! Yes. Wednesday nights are my opportunity to hang around teenagers in a club and jump around and engage in synchronised dancing to the tunes of “Square Rooms” and “Love In the First Degree”. I’m a retro addict and I have a problem. However I’m pleased to say that this problem was fixed last Wednesday when I realised mambo is not the place for me to be going to. Especially since Britney Spears is now considered music appropriate for Mambo! Britney Friggin Spears! Would you believe it! How old must I be if Britney Spears is considered retro music?! I was also reminded about how I must start wearing glasses or contacts when I go out. Especially after ogling at transvestites on a couple of occasions. That truly is traumatic for the Tragic One.

However tonight I have found a new place to hong out. Much better music. Much better looking people. Much better chances of them being real women.

I’m talking about New Asia Bar. Any place which starts playing Will Smith the moment I walk in definitely scores high in my book. The drinks may be expensive but the other pros definitely outweight the cons. Good music. Not so crowded. A couple of bad dancers who make me look like a friggin prima donna on the dance floor. What more could I ask for. And they played friggin Bon Jovi’s “You give love a bad name”! – the first rock song I ever heard on the radio! Aw man it was heaven.

The night didn’t come without its downers though. Check this out. Guys if you wanna pick up chicks. Hey its cool. Persistance may lead to success but hey. Have some friggin decency. If you’re coming on too strong, the girl is gonna let you know. And if she doesn’t, ask your friend. There’s a high chance that she might be giving you the signals but you’re too friggin drunk or stupid to realise. When she starts inching away from you, that’s a good sign that you’re annoying the f@*k out of her. So be a gentlemen and piss off!

So the Timothean titan notices a couple of cute chicks at the next table getting hassled by some stupid NS guys. Sheesh. And this one poor girl looks terrified. This guy just can’t take the hint. She’s cowering in the corner and he keeps trying to inch closer to her and …well any closer he could have been inhaling her tonsils. Which would have been ok if she was responding well. Still, how responsive could a girl possibly be when she’s huddled up against the window? So your’s truly decided to play the hero. Now I’m not saying that all women need saving. However my kaypoh nature couldn’t help but realise this girl couldn’t really speak english. No she wasn’t an ah lian. She was Japanese. So I went up to her and her female friend and invited her to sit at my table with my friends which lower their chances of being preyed upon by these jerks.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re saying, “Oh Tim you’re just another one of those jackals trying to swoop down on these vulnarable girls under the guise of being heroic and charming.” I beg to differ. I don’t need a guise to be heroic and charming. That goes without saying. Those are two of my most natural qualities, next to “modest” and “humble”.

Besides I had some female friends in my group who I’m sure would have made these foreign femmes feel much more comfortable and I invited them over so that they wouldn’t get hit on by anyone, myself included. I’m a gentleman that way. In fact I hardly spoke to them once they joined us. Not because I’m proud. I’m just out of their league. Hahaha. No lar. If I tell a girl to come over so they won’t get hit on, I keep to my word. I’m a gentleman that way.

What happens next is truly embarrasing. One of my friends tries to hit on them. Doh! Right after saving them, I have to save them again. So I casually tell him to leave them alone. He assures me all is fine and then accidentally spills a drink on them. How does that make me look?

So much for being a hero. Maybe they were better off on their own, After apologising profusely, we have a little small talk and then I leave them be to talk to my female friends. When they eventually leave, I didn’t even ask them for their number, once again
Reinforcing the fact that I wasn’t one of those hyenas out there trying to pick them up. I of course was hoping that my female friends were gonna ask them for me. However the Timothean Titan wouldn’t lead such a Tragic life if that would actually happen. They didn’t ask them.

Well at least I did my good deed of the day. I just hope one day all these good deeds pay off.

Time to hit the sack to the tunes of Bananarama. Happy Easter to you and your family. Does anyone else think of rabbit stew at the thought of the Easter bunny?

Man I’m hungry.

~Totally Tim – Tried and Tested. Results Pending.

posted by Timmy Tim Tim @ 5:40 AM