Tragic,Ticklish and Totally Timothean!

It kills me to say goodbye, but that's the only way I'll live.

"Wow". I guess that’s the only word I can use to describe the past couple of weeks. I’ve had a bunch of people who’ve mailed me or called me after reading the previous entry and I want to say thanks for the support. Perhaps the last two entries were on the drastic side. What can I say? I’ve been in a drastic mood.

I got my heart broken again. The most ridiculous thing is that it wasn’t because of someone new. It involved someone who’d already broken my heart before. In fact you could say her very memory has been breaking my heart over and over again for the past 4 and a half years.

Sometimes you find someone or something that brings so much meaning to your life. Makes you feel alive. Makes you want to succeed. Makes you think that life is so great no matter what happens. Helps you get through a crappy day at work because you know there’s something to look forward to at the end of the day. Makes you want wake up early because you can't wait to hear her voice.

The strange thing is you don’t realize all these wonderful things till you’ve lost them. So you fumble around after like an addicted junkie looking for a quick fix. You’ve tasted heaven and you want desperately to get that taste back. Nothing works though. So you just pine and hope and wait for the day that person shows up in your life again. You tell yourself things will be different. They’ll be better. You’ll never make the mistake of losing them again.

The years go by and one day, almost like a dream come true, you meet that person again. It’s wonderful. The years of loneliness disappear within a minute. Your road of emptiness has come to an end. It almost makes all the misery you’ve endured worth it just to have this person back in your life again.

Just when you believe everything in the world is good again, fate has a nasty way of turning things pear shaped. You once again feel the sands of hope and joy slipping from your palm no matter how hard you clench.

The difference is, this time you’re not just losing her in your mind and in your dreams. This time, you know its real. You’ve really seen her. Really heard her voice. Really felt her touch. Really smelt her scent. Really losing her all over again.

I can’t begin to describe how that feels. So close. So close to having her. So close to happiness.

First you get angry. You curse this life. You curse the stars. You curse the Gods. You cry. You weep. You plead. You question.

Then you realize maybe everything does happen for a reason. Maybe this is what you needed all along. Maybe you needed to realize that this person isn’t really who you want to be with. Maybe you realize that you’ve been in love with a memory all along. You remember that people change over the years and that this person is hardly recognizable. I’m not going to go into detail, but beyond the sentimental reminiscing, she proved that she’s not the person she used to be. She’s not the person I loved and hung onto for all these years. Because the person I longed for, would not treat me like this.

And now that I know this, maybe the hold she had over my life can finally be broken. Maybe the person you've been losing isn't her, maybe it's me.

You see now it’s easy to let go of the person before me. But there’s someone even harder to let go of. And that’s the person she was within me. You see it’s not the living breathing person I have to get over. It’s the memory of the person I used to love.

I’m beginning to learn that people aren’t who they are in the flesh. They’re who they are in your heart.

What’s makes it hard for me to release the love of my life, is the feeling that I’m also letting go of all the hope and all the wishes I’ve made over the years. I’ve spent such a long time trying to match the person in the flesh with the person in my heart, that by letting go now, I’m all confused and lost and don’t know what to look for anymore.

It’s like desperately trying to make the perfect chocolate cake and then realizing you don’t really like chocolate after all.

I’m no longer a man with a dream. I’m a man in search of a dream.

I wish life was so much simpler for a guy with a glass heart.

"Any other fool would never walk away" - Patti Austin / Any other fool

It's bout time for this fool to.

Typically Tim - Worn, Torn and in need of being Reborn.

posted by Timmy Tim Tim @ 6:17 AM